Mall Madness

 

Here comes another stupid parenting moment.  I get dumber by the day, I swear.

I thought it was a terrific idea (do all my posts start this way?) to take both children to the mall. 

When the youngest was 6 weeks old. 

During the Christmas shopping rush. 

In the evening, when all the nutty after work gotta-buy-something-that-not-even-a-starving-child-in-Africa-would-like suburban Christmas shoppers are at their most crazed peak. 

And by the way, we forgot to bring one of those baby carriers that all the used-to-be-cool young parents wear, all shred of dignity finally relinquished as we walk begrudgingly down the aisles hoping maybe the cool kids will think baby wearing is a new fashion statement, like Flavor Flav’s clock necklace.

We also forgot the doubles attachment for our other fashion statement, the ultra-cool Phil and Ted’s double stroller (not to be confused with Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, though I’m pretty sure Keanu Reeves could use an adult stroller to relax in while he gets high).

But we are over confident parents of two, and we keep trying to convince ourselves that we are really good at this parenting thing.  When we’ve had a couple of glasses of wine and the kids are in bed (while we watch Antiques Roadshow, because we’re cool like that) we are especially confident about this. 

So we decide to let one parent shop while the other stays at the kid’s play area with two children.

Let me just skip to the punch line, because this post is getting long and you can probably guess what is coming.

You’ve seen those bug-eyed lunatic moms pinning their helpless innocent children to the wall right out in the middle of a crowded public place while screaming something pointless that clearly isn’t helping, like “If you don’t stop it right now I’m going to find your Daddy, leave you with him, and go have myself a stiff drink, you hear me you little runt?”  You know those horrible moms, right?

Well that wasn’t me.  I handled the not listening and running off down the crowded mall aisle while I high-tail it after you as fast as I can [given my post baby girth and the constant tripping on the floor length giant sweater thing I wear to cover my fat] with my newborn baby dangling off one arm wailing with the grace and ease of Mary Poppins. 

New Favorite Things - for Postpartum Moms and for Newborns

This book, The Second Nine Months, will make you hurt so bad from laughing that you will need an extra Percocet. The author is painfully honest and FINALLY provides a realistic perspective on life after delivery. Even if you had your child years ago, this is a must read. I think all new dads should read it as well. Heck, anyone at all would probably find it laugh out loud funny.

The Sleepy Wrap is my new best friend. It is the only way I have been able to get a nap during the day - I wrap my new baby in it, lie on my back, and we both catch some shut eye. Plus, it doesn't look quite as dorky as some of the other baby carriers.

I love, love, love this Yummy Tummy tank that my wonderful sister bought me. I probably never would have spent this much on a tank top myself, but now that I've worn it I think it is totally worth the money. It definitely minimizes the post-partum belly and is actually an attractive looking nursing tank. They also have non-nursing items that would be great for any woman looking to minimize the mid-section!

Leggings are quite forgiving under an oversized shirt or cute dress. I love the new modern take on the 80s stirrup legging (trust me, they aren't the atrocious kind that we tucked into our multicolored, fluorescent socks).

I love leggings with the bootie (also an 80s throwback) - this Nine West version is one of my favorites. When buying clothes is a less than desirable undertaking, there is nothing like a pair of new shoes to pick you up!

I love this nursing cover because it doesn't look like you are wearing a doily off your grandmother's side table.