Good Comebacks for when People Say Dumb Sh...Stuff

My husband, T, is the king of comebacks.  You know why?  Because he really, REALLY doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him.  Me?  I’m terrible.  I’m that person who thinks of the comeback two or three hours later.  The only time I was remotely good at it was when I was pregnant and grumpy. 
You know what people say the dumbest things about?  Pregnancy, post-partum stuff, parenting, and other people’s relationships.  What do these things have in common?  They are NONE OF YOUR DARN BUSINESS. 
Some of my favorite stupid things people have said [these are real; names changed to protect identity] and my suggested comebacks:
“Oh my, your little Bobby is such a brat.  I don’t know what you are doing wrong.  My daughter, Susie’s little boy is such an angel.” 
Yeah, I trust your judgment ‘cause you did such a fabulous job raising Susie. 
Oh, Bobby only acts like that when we don’t give him his daily dose of marijuana. 
“You look good.  Your belly is getting smaller.  But I’m not saying your skinny.  You left your days of being hot behind in college.”
At least I got to experience being hot.  You poor ugly idiot.
“You are definitely a lot bigger than last time [you were pregnant].”
You are also a lot bigger than….oops.  Sorry about that.
“You should bite him [your son] back when he bites you.”
How about I bite you, you moron?
And the classic dumb comment, said to a newly married couple: “When are you going to start having kids?”
For the comebacks to this classic, I must once again credit my newly married colleague, Jay L.  His suggestions are much better than mine:
When they relax the child labor laws.
About 9 months and 15 minutes from now. Will you excuse us?
We'd like to, but there was this bowling accident a few years ago...
As you can see, mine are pretty lame compared to Jay's.  Help me out, whatcha got for comebacks?

The Globe Guardian has some doozies. 

Aunt Kay [aka, “The Light”], if you are reading I know you will respond with something like “Sweetie, take the high road and just tell them how wonderful they are.  Thank them for the advice and go on your merry way.”  If I promise to do that and just think these great comebacks, will you forgive me?

So...Do You Get a Baby Bump on Top of Your Baby Bump?

Huh. I wonder if you grow an additional hump, kind of like a camel?

Pregnant Woman Pregnant Again, Julia Grovenburg Conceives Consecutively - ABC News

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Thank You, I Know I'm Huge

Okay, with six weeks left to go in this pregnancy, I think it is a good time to remind people that:

• Yes, I realize how big I am.  Every morning is a battle to find a pair of MATERNITY pants that fit.  Maternity.  Doesn't that imply that they should fit during pregnancy?
• Yes, I'm as uncomfortable as I look and I am in pain.  I'm trying to stay quiet about it, but if you insist on mentioning how miserable I look, you are going to get a miserable response.
• No, I don't know any more than you do if the baby is coming soon. 
• No, I no longer care what I look like.  This includes my hair, my makeup, my clothing, and my flat shoes that barely fit my swollen feet.
• No, I am not bigger than last time, nor am I that much bigger than I should be at this point.  But thank you for asking.
  
• Yup, I am incredibly grouchy.  Get over it.

I would like to start my own list of things to never say to a pregnant woman.  I'll get to that as soon as I'm done feeling grumpy (probably in about 1 1/2 years).  Here are a couple that are recommended reading for any of you who are in contact with an expectant mother:


This article is a little wordy, but content is good, in my opinion.


This one boils it down to a top ten, a la David Letterman.

Honestly Grateful

I awoke this morning after a night of restless sleep due to the six-point turns I have to make to turn over in bed.  It is like backing a semi-trailer into a "Compact Only" parking space in New York City.  Feeling big, grumbly, and just generally uncomfortable, I had the sense that this could be a miserable day.

Just as I was at the peak of feeling sorry for myself, an angelic little face holding a well-worn puppy dog greeted me with a matter-of-fact "I need to go potty."  I proceeded to execute (rather skillfully) my six-point turn and hoisted myself out of my comfortable bed.  Just a few moments later, as I listened to her laugh and watched her welcome the morning with joy and openness, I realized just how much attitude influences the day.

The discomfort and pain of my state is just a reminder that a healthy baby girl is growing inside of me, relying on me to keep her safe and healthy.  I am reminded of dear friends who would love to feel that discomfort, if it meant everything would be okay.  Dear friends who are so filled with love and gratitude despite their own loss and their own pain.  Out of love and respect for them, I am honestly grateful this morning.

If you are in the market for a charity to support, here are a couple that have been top of mind for me lately:


Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

March of Dimes

Doing for Myself

Well, I've waited hopefully for some sign of life out there, but it appears I am writing this sad little blog for me and me alone. Instead of throwing in the towel (which I seriously considered) I have decided to plug ahead. At the very least, I can work on my writing skills and may have something that I can print and give to my dear children, who will likely file it away in the "useless stuff mom gave me that I can't throw away" drawer.

Speaking of doing things for me and me alone, have I mentioned how much I love the heightened level of aggression I've taken on during this pregnancy? What a great feeling, demanding what I want. On top of that, I don't care whether it ticks other people off *evil laugh*. So lovely.

After recently reading a series of blogs about the horror of adjusting to a second child, I think I am going to spend the remaining few weeks of my pregnancy relaxing and enjoying life as much as I can. I am treasuring this time by rocking my little girl in the morning as long as she wants me to, going to bed early and sleeping late, lazing around with my husband, and looking for ants with my daughter.